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Today and the Tomorrows hereafter

Tomorrow my recovery ends. And I've learned for it.

I've learned never to take my freedom and responsibility for myself for granted again. This week back with my parents has showed me who I have become and what I have learned the last year of living alone, taking charge of my life and identity, and the last few years of having my own car. I may have my belongings and my parents willing to pay for me here- but I find that I'm much happier being poorer and free. It's a precarious life at times, but at least I know that it belongs to me- not at the mercy of my parents' schedule or whims.

Today, because I did not have control over my life, I missed the bookstore opening despite being a mere fifteen minutes away. I had even arranged with Aaron to get a ride from where I was in Livonia to the event. However, due to rendering my sister and mother to tears with my "callous" behavior earlier in the day, I ended up going to her engagement party. It was precisely as I had expected.

A bunch of mundies I had no chance in a million years of identifying with, chattering about themselves, eating food, and watching football. Everything was disposable, otherwise I would have volunteered to do dishes just to escape the mind-numbing boredom. I made my opinion of being here quite clear on my face whenever my sister was nearby. If guilt-trips run in the family, here's a taste of her own medicine. My dad understood my anger, boredom, and overall acidic attitude with a few sympathetic pats on the shoulder and quiet, encouraging remarks such as "did you have a drink?" or "We'll go within the next hour" or "I know... I don't like crowds either". He and I clung together in one corner of the dining room table, he because crowds unnerve him, I because I had no desire to know these people.

I keep being told to never let my family manipulate me as they have in the past... and despite trying, I let myself be taken in by my sister's tearful pleas, my mom's illness and inability to attend, and my father's stone, passive silence just hoping for this all to blow over. I didn't cry in front of them- which was an improvement, even when my mom's voice became icy. When I did, I dismissed myself to my room to decompress.

Soon I'm going to get another car (as much as I desperately miss my Focus) and I'll have my life back. I'm not going to let it go so easily again.

Pain's faded. Only a sore, tender spot on my solar plexus, some pain when I first wake up, and noticeable discomfort when I stretch or flex my torso in a way to tweak my ribs the wrong way. Putting on tight jeans is an unholy terror. Skirts more, methinks.


( 3 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 28th, 2010 08:43 pm (UTC)
I don't know if they're trying to manipulate you more than just wanting to see you and keep you involved with your family. I mean, it's not every day your sister gets engaged. *shrug*
Apr. 9th, 2011 08:26 am (UTC)
Your blog looks nice, even so it would be far better if you’ll be able to use lighter colors too as a professional design. This will make sure that a lot more readers come to check it out.Informative post by the way!

Nov. 1st, 2011 12:49 am (UTC)
I’ve been into blogging for quite some time and this is definitely a great post.Cheers!

( 3 comments — Leave a comment )